Holiday Pain

Many of you out there have reminded me this week how we are connected through this computer. You have made me feel seen and loved. Thank you.

The holidays are very difficult for me. I wish I could fast-forward to January. And I know that’s kind of sad. But, as you know I struggle with depression, anxiety and have worked through my childhood trauma for over 15 years now….and it still hurts.

My wish, my wishbone, is that things could be different w/ my family. I have tried every which way to work through these difficult relationships and what I know is that sometimes you need to pat yourself on the back for trying again and again and again – and then you need to choose yourself. This is contrary to what I feel because I am loyal and loving mother and friend. I don’t ever want to give up. But, when toxic behavior comes at me, when the emotional abuse continues, I remember the phrase from one of my people – “I will not abandon myself.”

I try not to post on sad things, but part of my painting comes from part of the pain and I need to acknowledge it. And I want to connect with you out there if you feel the same.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stuffy, mis-understood, pressured, sad, angry, etc right now, this month, then you are not alone. You are so not alone. There is ME, but there are so many others out there that feel the same way. We try to make holiday get-togethers work for the sake of the children and the memories and what would we do if we changed something?

What would we do if we pivoted?

Michelle Obama uses that term. Pivot. And it’s not a bad word, it’s a word that means, huh, this is not really working for me anymore – this is making me feel awful actually. So, I’m going to pivot and do something different.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are your best guide and if you get in your car crying or feeling terrible about yourself after a gathering it means that you have outgrown that gathering and it’s okay to decline the invitation. The hardest part will be other people’s anger towards you making a different decision. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision.

I never wanted this to be my story. I didn’t choose this. And sometimes I collapse for days in my bed and sometimes I stand strong, but most days I do not abandon myself because I know – we all know – what feels right, what is right for us. It’s that little compass inside of us, the little fighter spirit, God, Jesus, YOU, that leads us.

What I wish for you and me is that we will be careful with ourselves, kind – offering the kind of compassion we wish we received from our family. It’s not what we chose, but it is our job to be true to ourselves.

I love you, guys. I’m just on the other side of the computer if you want to email: cbensten@blueeggbrownnest

And if you want to know my full story I gave myself the gift of writing it all down here.

With love,

Christen